My birthday is quickly approaching. Like years past, I have began to assess my growth during the last year of my life. But this yearly assessment is different. As I think back now, I realize that the woman I was for my entire adult life was broken. Broken in ways that most can't imagine, but I never openly walked in my brokenness. On the outside, I was strong, fierce, and giving. That façade hid my weaknesses, my insecurities, and my demons. The demons that I came to love. I didn't just cope with them. I found ways to make them thrive and let them shine but only in the dark. Who I was being and who the world was seeing was two different people. I'm not speaking of the poltergeist here. I just simply possessed a spirit of darkness. And it showed in my actions, my motives and the things/people I sought for fulfillment. It was not until this past year of my life, that I grew weary of living with those demons.
Everyone who knows me personally, know that this past year I made some major changes. There were points when I pulled away from people and vices that I've been connected to for years. For months, I couldn't drink alcohol, listen to secular music, or hang in certain places because I knew the parts of me that would be awakened if I did. I consciously did everything that I could to kill my subconscious desires before they killed me. To overcome my brokenness, I had to break myself down to my core and rebuild the pieces. While realizing that I was broken was the hardest part, rebuilding has been the most trying. Before I started the rebuilding process, I assumed it would be quick and clean. But it's the total opposite. Each step I took, the messier the surface of my life became. After all, you can't tear down a structure and not expect rubble.
The first thing I did was seek a strong spiritual connection. I began to pray. I read the bible in its entirety. And I studied the bible to gain a true understanding. Truth is, Christianity does not have much to do with the bible. Most of the rules of Christianity, as we know it to be, are man made (BUT THIS IS ANOTHER STORY FOR ANOTHER BLOG). So I turned away from Christianity and started seeking a spiritual connection with God. As my spirituality matured, the condemnation from myself and the world was removed. I learned to only heed convictions from God. These convictions were not constraining but liberating. I started to understand myself more, accept my uniqueness, and love my whole being. The next step was to break bonds with everything and everyone that was not beneficial to my growth. The relationships that manifested from my darkness had to be released.
So here I am now. Countless failures, a few relationships and two engagements later, I have chosen to give up the facade of perfection and a perfect family to achieve my happiness. Connections that were meaningless and draining have been removed. I am now proud to say that I am a single mother of two, two different fathers. I am a woman who is fulfilled by breaking the rules instead of following them. I am full of life and boisterous. There is not a day that goes by that I don't laugh myself to tears. And every night, I go to sleep with a spirit of gratefulness and joy. Living in my truth, no matter how messy it seems, continues to bring me gratification. And I still don't quite know what my contribution to the world will be, but I'm sure I'll figure that out on my path of rebuilding. For accountability, here are the promises I have made to myself as I continue to rebuild:
- Do not allow yourself to live inside of a box and do not surround yourself with people that try to place you in one.
- Be selfless without being blind.
- Consciously strive to be at YOUR best, daily.
- Remember that your feelings do not change the facts.
- Love yourself, unapologetically.
- Don't condemn yourself if you falter on any of these promises. Ish happens!
To everyone reading this, there will be times in your life when rebuilding will be necessary. It will not be easy, quick, or immediately fulfilling. But it will be worth it because you are worth it! Don't fight change in your life. All living beings must experience change in order to survive.